


Prank Me Once

by WrenAndPoppy



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F, Josephine Being Fancy, Nipple Play, Prank Fight, Temperature Play, Ye Olde Dildos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 06:56:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7034521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrenAndPoppy/pseuds/WrenAndPoppy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sera’s doing her usual round of pranking, and decides that the perfect prank for Josephine is a sex toy on her desk.  Josephine responds by sending the toy back.  With a review.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prank Me Once

Josephine’s office was cozy and sparse, no more than a desk and some furniture clustered around a crackling fireplace, but it was still _fancy_ in that way that Josephine had of being _fancy_ about bloody everything.

Sera tiptoed around the room, spinning thoughtfully so she could take in every detail.  What to prank, what to prank?  She pursed her lips and hefted the leather bag that was slung over her shoulder, rooting around in it thoughtfully as she continued to examine the room.  Farty-noise pillow on the chair?  Butter on the doorknob?  Sedate a nug, leave it snoring on Josephine’s chair?

Rooting around in her bag, Sera’s fingers closed around something cold, hard, and bumpy.  She gripped it with a smile.

“Now that’s a way to butt-fluster the ambassador,” she snickered, pulling the object out.  It sparkled as she turned it back and forth.  “Fancy gold for the fancy Goldie.  Bloody good excuse to use this one.”

Sera pranced over to Josephine’s desk before delicately setting the object down, letting it point straight up.  She gave it one more lewd giggle before shifting the bag on her shoulder and skipping out of the room.  The light from the fireplace glinted against the jewel-encrusted gold dildo that now sat on Josephine’s desk.

—-

Barely a day later, as Sera returned from the kitchens with a half-eaten apple in her hand and stepped into her room, she found a familiar golden object sitting on the windowsill.  She swallowed her mouthful of apple and snickered.

“Can’t prank me with my own prank, silly,” she scoffed.  She stepped over to the  dildo and picked it up, noticing the letter that had been tucked underneath it.  Eyebrows pursed, Sera sat down on the windowsill to read it, setting aside her half-eaten apple.  The letter was neatly written in a curving script, and the paper carried the soft scent of perfume.  Sera had defaced enough official Inquisition documents to recognize Josephine’s writing.

_Miss Sera,_

_I can only assume that the vulgar object left in my office was a gift from you.  I want you to know that I find it garish and extremely over-the-top, even by your considerably low standards –_

Sera snorted a laugh.  “That’ll show you, prissypants.”  She skimmed further down the letter.  “Always said it, nothing loosens up a prude like a – ”

_– sliding inside, and when it is seated all the way to the base, the movement –_

Sera nearly dropped the letter, reeling back in her seat.  She clutched the sweet-smelling parchment close, scant inches from her face, reading each word from the top with wide eyes.

_Miss Sera,_

_I can only assume that the vulgar object left in my office was a gift from you.  I want you to know that I find it garish and extremely over-the-top, even by your considerably low standards.  A phallus made of gold and jewels?  It is a little too accurate of a metaphor for Orlais, I fear._

_Although the concept is in poor taste, I must grudgingly admire the craftsmanship.  The rubies are polished to perfection, and the settings are flawlessly smooth.  There are no rough edges to speak of.  Someone was paid quite a lot to craft this horrid thing._

_However ostentatious the gems may be, I must admit that they provide some practical use.  The texture was a novel experience to say the least.  It is worth taking one inch at a time, savoring the push of each bump sliding inside, and when it is seated all the way to the base, the movement, the smooth press of each ruby… I digress.  It was quite different, and not unenjoyable._

_It is a toy to be used with great gentleness, both due to the aggressive texture and the utter lack of flexibility.  Although I have enjoyed the experience, it is most certainly not worth the money.  Especially considering how outrageous the cost must have been.  I deem it “interesting, but nothing to write home about.”_

_With care,_

_Josephine_

Sera stared at the letter, blinking.  She rubbed a fist over her eyes, shook her head, and stared at the letter again.

“ … Well.  I’ve forgotten how to read.”  She tossed the letter onto a pile of pillows next to her, staring blankly out the window.  “Only thing for it.  No more reading for Sera.”

The window didn’t respond.  Guiltily, Sera’s gaze drifted to the dildo that sat on the windowsill next to her.  It glinted innocently in the sunlight.  Sera twitched and snatched up the letter again, holding it close to her flushed face and reading it again.  

She tried to imagine Josephine sitting at her desk by the crackling fire, beautifully styled hair falling over her ear, carefully-maintained fingernails guiding the strokes of her quill as she wrote the words _savoring the push of each bump sliding inside._

Numbly, Sera lowered the letter.  “ … Kitten piss, she’s pranking me back.  That’s what this is, yeah?   _Shit_.”

She stood up, pacing around her room.  Her blond hair swished and brushed her ears each time she turned on her heel.

“Can’t let her win, no no.  Could be she’s bluffing.  That’s what she does, right?  Bluffs and blusters for the Inquisition, fools all the nobles.”  Sera spun and marched towards a wooden box in the corner of her room.  It was piled high with every imaginable kind of bizarre, pricey sex toy, all nicked from randy nobles.  She rooted around in the box until she pulled out a pair of small objects with a grin.

“If she’s really into it, she won’t mind another, right?”

—-

This time it took two days for the toys to make their way back to Sera’s room.  She found them sitting on yet another letter, shimmering in the sunlight.  Sera grinned and scooped the letter up, flopping down on a pile of pillows to read it.

_Miss Sera,_

_I will admit it: putting the clamps in my jewelry box was clever.  I assumed they were earrings until I tried putting them on.  It was rather harsh on the earlobes._

_Where do you acquire these toys?  You must steal them from only the wealthiest nobles.  The leather is high quality, the metal appears to be solid silver, and the feathers are from the Greater Cerulean Dalish Emeraldcrest, unless I am mistaken.  That is no inexpensive import.  In their own right, they are gorgeous accessories._

_That is not to say they are without function.  The pressure they apply is… quite intense, but fortunately for me, that is to my liking.  And with each wriggle, each breath, those expensive little feathers like to brush back and forth over exposed, sensitive skin.  It is a sharp pinch of sweet pain and a soft teasing caress both at once.  Combined with some more direct stimulation from a single skillful hand, a slow teasing rub to complement the sting, to make each breath catch and make the feathers dance, it is…_

_I apologize if my words fail me.  Forgive me.  I will cut this letter short and return the clamps to you shortly.  Once I make use of them one more time._

_With care,_

_Josephine_

By the time Sera had finished reading, her face was as red as the silk pillow she sat on.   _Those expensive little feathers brushing over exposed, sensitive skin…_

… The soft, smooth curve of her breasts, heaving with each aroused breath, shimmering blue-green feathers tickling her skin, dark velvety nipples locked in two firm clamps –

Sera stood up and began frantically pacing around the room.  She stared at her feet, watching them cross the overlapping carpets.

“Okay, okay, no big one, Goldie likes some sting with the tickle.  But how deep does that go, yeah?  We’re all a little dumb about sex stuff, but _how_ dumb?”  

Sera huffed, her cheeks still burning.  She strode to her box of expensive pilfered sex toys, rooting through it.  Her face lit up as she found a smooth wooden box at the bottom, and she pulled it out gingerly, as if a snake might spring out of it.  Flopping down on her windowsill, she cracked open the box and winced at the contents.

“Tits to that, no one but a fancy-pantsy moneybag would be ass-dumb enough to put magic bits up their bits.”  She closed the box with a huff.  “Let’s see if Goldie likes _that_ much sting.  I’m betting she’ll chicken out.”  Sera drummed her fingers on the box, suddenly hesitant.  “ … S’gotta be safe, yeah?  Elsewise the big crowns wouldn’t use it.  Woulda shanked the craftsman if it burned their bits, probably.  Course, I don’t know that he _isn’t_ dead.”  

Sera stood up, glaring at the box suspiciously.  Maybe she should pick a different toy.  She wanted to give Josephine a prank, not an emergency trip to the healer.  Her face lit up.

“Oh!  I bet the Vint will know if it’s a burner or a pleaser!  He knows magicky things _and_ sexy things!”  Her face fell into distaste.  “ … Ugh, he’s probably used one before.  Wish I hadn’t thought that.  Bloody Vints.”

She set the box down and danced across her room to scoop up a quill and parchment, flattening the paper against her window to write.

_Dorian,_

_Not a prank.  Need to know if safe.  If used before, don’t tell._

_Sera_

She grinned.  “Here’s to hoping I can prank this prank.  Not even Goldie, psh.  No way.  Magic bits up the bits, pah.”

—-

Barely a day later, Sera walked back to her room to find a familiar wooden box lying outside her door.  Tucked underneath it was a note.  She bent down to pick them up, already scanning the letter.

_Sera,_

_Maker’s breath, why are you including me in this?  It’s safe.  Let us never speak of this again._

_Dorian_

A grin spread across Sera’s face.  “Golden.”

—-

_Miss Sera,_

_Another phallus?  I’m pleased to see it’s less garish than the last one, and that it is properly crafted from leather and wood and stuffing, not unforgiving metal.  I believe it may be dragon leather.  It is quite high quality._

_But, as I am sure you know, what makes this toy interesting is the runes.  I had Enchanter Vivienne examine it for me, to assure that it was safe.  One can never be too careful.  I’m pleased to say that Vivienne is both discreet and intriguingly knowledgeable on the matter, and she declared the toy completely safe for use.  You can imagine my delight._

_The settings are helpfully indicated with small inscriptions.  I decided to try fire first.  It sounds quite dangerous when written like that, does it not?  It was merely a gentle heat, a warmth that tingled from the first touch all the way to the finish.  Like a belly full of wine, warm and satisfying and full.  I must recommend it._

_Next, the frost setting.  “Chills” do not begin to describe the sensations.  Have you ever had a wintermint candy before?  I do hope that no one in nearby rooms heard me._

_As for the electrical setting… oh, I fear descriptions do not come to me easily.  Nevertheless, I shall try.  Imagine the sensation of a cracking whip, stinging the skin, harsh and sweet, stealing the breath away.  It warrants saying twice: I do hope that no one in nearby rooms heard me._

_Despite my initial intimidation, I must give this toy a very favorable review.  It has been thoroughly cleaned, if you are interested in trying it yourself, which I recommend.  Dragon leather cleans quite nicely.  A good choice of materials._

_With care,_

_Josephine_

Perched on the windowsill, Sera lowered the letter and recoiled from the wooden box that sat next to her.  “Magic bits up the bits, tits to that,” she muttered under her breath, giving the box a glare.  “Can’t believe it.  And she says it’s _good_?”

There was no way she was going to try it herself.  No matter how “tingly” it was.  No matter how much Josephine had hoped that no one in nearby rooms heard her.

… Maybe Sera ought to be one of those people in a nearby room next time.  Just to see if Josephine was bluffing.

Sera launched herself off the windowsill and buried herself in the box of sex toys, rifling through them in a frenzy.

“All right.  All right.  Goldie’s a freak in the sack, who knew?”  She babbled to herself as she sorted through the cuffs and the dildos.  “Not gonna outdo me.  Just gotta send her something she won’t use – something she _can’t_ use, that’s it.”  Sera’s fingers closed over a carved column of wood, and she pulled it out.  

The wood cylinder was as thick as her arm and beautifully carved with flowers.  On one end of it was a masterful feat of leatherworking, the dark, supple material stitched and folded into an impressive replica of a certain anatomical feature.

Most sex toys made Sera laugh, but she’d always had a grudging respect for this one.  It had a clit.

“Not got the bits for this one,” Sera smirked, dipping two fingers between the soft leather folds.  “That’s a proper prank, that.”

The press of the soft leather was tight against her fingers.  Sera realized what she was doing and pulled her fingers out quickly, swallowing.

“Proper prank, that,” she repeated, her voice dry.

—-

_Miss Sera,_

_I am very charmed by this most recent gift of yours!  I will not waste time praising the craftsmanship, as it has become clear to me that every toy in your possession is of highest quality.  What draws me, what I wish to lavish my attention on, is the use –_

“No!” Sera shouted at the letter, loud enough to bother patrons in the upper levels of the bar.  “No tittyfucking way!  It’s a –  You didn’t – ”  She snorted and brought the letter close to her steaming face.  “No way you didn’t – ”

_– of this gorgeous object.  I confess, I have always had a weakness for the smell of leather.  The material is so soft and so supple, when it is slick, it almost feels like the real thing.  Even dragging my tongue across it, slipping through the folds and pressing tenderly inside, I could almost close my eyes and imagine that I was not alone in my bed –_

Sera’s heart pounded, and she pressed her legs together.   _Slipping through the folds and pressing tenderly inside._ She could almost hear a soft sigh, a hungry little moan that someone might make as they lavished a lover’s sex.   _What I wish to lavish my attention on…_

Sera’s eyes darted up to the door of her room.  Spontaneously, she leapt off her seat by the window and slammed the door shut, bolting it.  She turned around and leaned against the heavy wood, holding the letter close and reading further.

– _but that there was a lover sprawled before me, slick with need, welcoming every smooth press of fingers and tongue.  I have such a fondness for the muffled noise of moaning against skin._

Sera’s breath hitched.  She realized that her own hand had wandered between her legs, giving herself a little squeeze.  She leaned harder against the locked door and kept reading, her hand kneading slowly.

_There is nothing they could have done to evoke the flavor of an aroused woman.   The finest Orlesian desserts do not compare.  However, I have certain personal associations with the smell and taste of fine leather, associations that had me purring against the soft surface as though it were the lover I wished it was, devouring her with the same hunger._

Sera bit her lip to stifle a gasp, her freckled face the color of a cherry as she slipped a shaking hand down her pants.  Her fingers found wetness, hot and ready, and she chewed her lip hard to stay quiet as she kept reading.

_Once I had tongued a slickness into the folds, my first finger pressed inside easily.  The fit was snug, rippled, very nearly convincing, though not warm enough.  A real lover would have smoldered inside.  The second finger was a tighter fit, but the sensation of sliding them in and out while my tongue –_

Sera let out a long, thin whine, her hips jerking once as she held the letter in one shaking hand, a bead of sweat tickling down her neck.

– _swirled around the outside, tickling and teasing, was enough to take the breath away.  By the third finger, I could feel the leather straining to accommodate me, tight as a lover clenching in the crest of pleasure as her toes curled against the bed, her spine arching beautifully for me, dragging my face close as she rode out her passion against my tongue –_

A thick moan spilled from Sera’s lips and she pressed her hot face into the letter with a shuddering whimper as a hot pulse of pleasure rippled through her.  Her knees shook, her eyes squeezed shut, but she could smell the sweet, floral scent that drifted off the letter.  Josephine’s perfume.

Sera let out a long gasp and went limp against the door, panting, her wobbling knees barely holding her upright.  She stared hazily out her window before swallowing.

“ … All r-right, then.  You win this round, Goldie,” she choked out.  Dizzily, she lifted the slightly-crumpled letter and kept reading.

– _and sparked my own finish, sending the pleasure washing through my shivering body in waves._

“F-fucking _tits,_ Goldie,” Sera stammered, shuddering again.

_What more needs to be said?  The toy is both beautiful and a pleasure to use.  I must thank you once again for allowing me a night with it.  As with all your other toys, I have cleaned it before returning it to you._

_With care,_

_Josephine_

Sera swallowed.  She pulled her hand out of her pants and unlatched her door, pacing across the small room.

“Gotta get her back, gotta give her something she won’t _think_ of – ”  For the fifth time, Sera stalked to her box of sex toys and rooted around.  “C’mon, naughty box, weird weird weird.  What’s the weirdest you have?”  She pulled objects out one at a time, tossing them over her shoulder.  A spiked collar.  A spanking paddle rubbed with rashvine oil.  An anal toy shaped like a nug.  Finally Sera straightened up with a laugh, holding a pair of small, leather rings in one hand.

“That’ll mess her, don’t even know what these ones do!”  

Each ring was made of smooth black leather, too big for her thumb, and was crested with a single, vibrant pink gemstone.  The insides were stamped with intricate runes, so Sera knew they did _something,_ but she wasn’t about to put them on to find out what.  

… That, and she had no idea where you were supposed to put them on.

With a triumphant grin, Sera clasped her fist tight, the soft leather and the faceted gemstones pressing against her palm and fingers.  “Bet not even _she_ knows what they do.  That’ll call her bluff if she’s bluffing.”

—-

Sera poked her head into her room.  Her face lit up at the sight of a neatly folded parchment on her windowsill, sitting next to two small leather rings.  She bounced across the room and scooped the letter up, unfolding it eagerly.

_Miss Sera,_

_The craftsmanship on these is exquisite.  The runes are small enough to fit on my nail, yet flawlessly etched.  And they function perfectly.  I am most impressed!_

_However, I cannot provide a review.  These toys require a partner._

_With care,_

_Josephine_

Sera blinked.  She turned the letter over, looking for more, but the back was blank.  

“ … What?”  She read the short letter again, her brow furrowing in annoyance.  “What the – _is she frigging serious_?”

—-

Josephine’s fireplace crackled warmly, filling the stone room with cozy heat despite the mountain chill outside.  Josephine sat at her desk and brushed the feather end of her quill over her lips thoughtfully as she read a particularly long-winded letter from a minor Orlesian noble who considered himself of high importance to the Inquisition.  The man had certainly assisted them – every gold coin, every sack of elfroot counted – but from the tone of his letter, one would have thought he’d rallied the front lines himself.

A quick patter of footsteps approached Josephine’s door, and she barely had time to glance up before it was slammed open and her room was suddenly filled with a diminutive ball of furious blond elf.

“Oh posh, you don’t know what they do!” Sera slammed her hands down on Josephine’s desk.  “Admit it!”

Josephine blinked mildly.  “Is there something I can assist you with, Sera?”

Sera reached into her pocket and tossed the pair of black leather rings onto the letter Josephine was reading.  She stabbed an accusing finger at them, leaning over the desk to glare at Josephine.  “ _Needs a partner_ my arse!  You don’t know what they do!”

Josephine tried not to giggle.  An angry Sera was somewhat frightening – she could put an arrow through a noble’s throat from clean across even the grandest of foyers, after all – but an angry Sera was also frightfully endearing.  A furious pink flush had bloomed under her freckles, and her upturned little nose was wrinkled with scorn.  Jospehine stood up, neatly pushing her chair under her desk before walking around it.

Sera folded her arms crossly.  “Oh, oh, lady Ambassador’s all quiet now.  Don’t got the words to admit I outpranked you?”

Delicately, Josephine picked up one of the black leather bands and lifted it to her mouth.  As Sera watched, Josephine stuck out her pink tongue and slipped the band onto it, the rosy jewel flashing in the light from the fire.  She could feel the lines of the runes against her tongue, and all it took was a thought to bring them to life.  Before Sera could ask questions, Josephine reached out and gently took the elf’s wrist in her hand, bringing it up to her mouth and pressing one of Sera’s fingers against her tongue.

Sera jolted at the touch, her eyes going wide, and Josephine knew that she could feel the buzzing vibration of the jewel under her finger.  Sera yanked her hand back with a suspicious glare.

Josephine slipped the tongue ring off.  “ _That_ is what it does.”

Sera gave the small, wet object a long look.  “ … Well, turtle tits, that must make for odd kissing.  Don’t know if I’d like that.”

Josephine finally lost the battle with her giggles, her dark cheeks flushing slightly darker.  “It is, ah, not for kissing on the mouth.  If you catch my meaning.”

“Oh.”  Sera gave Josephine’s mouth a new look, her own face heating.  “ … Oh.   _That_ kind of kissing.  The sweet tingly one.  Well, tingly-er, all kissing’s a little tingly, innit?  And the – the buzzing in your bits?  That’s a nice feel?”

“Unfortunately, I would not know.  I never had the occasion to try.”

Sera blinked at her.  Behind them, the fireplace crackled, and a burning log slipped and crumbled into embers.  Josephine turned the small leather ring over in her hand, clearing her throat.

“I find myself ahead in my paperwork,” she offered suddenly.

Sera’s eyes jumped down to the toy in Josephine’s hand, then back up to her lips.  She didn’t say a word.

“I could afford some time away from my desk,” Josephine continued.  “Or _on_ my desk, if the mood strikes – ”

Silently, Sera stuck one arm out and placed her palm against Josephine’s shoulder.  She pushed until Josephine backed up, bumping against her desk.

“If you’re curious about how the toys function – ” Josephine rambled.

Sera gave Josephine a grin and dropped to her knees, her hands on the woman’s thighs.  She neatly plucked the tongue ring from Josephine’s hand and slipped it into her mouth.

Josephine swallowed, bracing herself against the smooth wood of her desk.  “O-on the desk it is.  Um.  The door?”

Sera smiled and stuck out her tongue teasingly.  The gem on it glinted in the firelight.  “Already locked.”

—-

Josephine mumbled sleepily into her soft sheets as she drifted awake.  She stretched on the bed like a cat, yawning, her dark hair tumbling loose across her gorgeously embroidered pillow.  Every inch of her felt refreshed and warm and _satisfied,_ not that she couldn’t be coaxed into more play if a certain skillful elf were so inclined.

“Feeling rested?” Josephine, purred, rolling over in bed.

The other side of the bed was empty.  Sera was gone, and for that matter, so was Josephine’s second embroidered pillow.  Josephine frowned.  Sitting in place of the pillow was a small note.

She sat up, tossed her dark hair over her shoulder, and lifted the note to read the rough writing.

_Good night, yeah?_

_Important: got more widgets, don’t know what they do.  Come by my room.  Learn me a thing or two about fancy Orlesian fuckery.  Looking to educate myself.  Might even give you your pillow back._

_False.  The pillow is mine._

Josephine blinked at the letter.  She lifted her hand to her mouth to muffle a laugh.

“Fancy Orlesian fuckery,” she giggled under her breath as she lifted herself from the bed.  She would need to get ahead in her paperwork more often.


End file.
